You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
