so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
