I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
