we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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