Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
