Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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