i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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