The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Drunk is not a location!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
