Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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