dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
