just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
