do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this just has baby written all over it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
