I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize