I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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