I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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