woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
