We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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