I have demons in me.
I just cut my nipple shaving
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
