cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
