It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Blow job season was short but glorious.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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