i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
