this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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