I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
