Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
