True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
