Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
