even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
