I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
