Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
