I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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