are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
