Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
