we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
