i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I want her autograph on my taint
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
