Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
