Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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