God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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