Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
