The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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