If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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