Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
