He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
