Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
