I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I want to have your abortion
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
