the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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