I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
