found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
