I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
