My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
