I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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