8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize