Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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