made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
