Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
