my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
please don't ironically join a cult
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