hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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