He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Houston, we have a blender
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
