I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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