Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
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