If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
