someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
